| What Who Me? Perhaps? Maybe? NOPE! |
[01 Jul 2004|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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Finch - Stay With Me |
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When I go to the mall I get this weird sense that I don't belong there for some reason, It might be the fact that Im new or still new or hardly play DDR (which is gonna change since I do need to get on my game) but today just felt like another day I should of just walked away. Went and Saw Spiderman 2, the movie rocked but if I am correct on the next villain in line, the 3rd is not gonna be up to par... I learned new stuff about magic that i didn't know. figured out im playing it all wrong and have to relearn the damn game over agian, got a starter deck for Yu Gi Oh and hopefully I will be able to gain some skill in that with Bubbles teaching me. Today urked me agian because I walked around and saw nothing but couples... its kinda stupid of me to sit and feel like i neeed a gf... loseing some of the potential greatest gf because of my past stupity still kills me inside sometimes. I also figured out that I might be as annoying as Cody to Matt lol, idk if thats a good or bad thing... I dont know, I want to change my personality but I can't seem to.. but Im trying... self esteem issues and such still persue my conscience. I got a car now so that helps a little.. and a job actually pays me... It just fucks me up that I can't get comfortable at silver ball, I need a place to hang but idk it just freaken weird.. My life is on a flow, and I want more, I want a gf I dont' need one but I want one... someone I can get close to since I can't seem to get close to anyone, idk if its because im weird or just annoying, those thoughts still haunt me for some reason. anyway im done still gots lots more on my mind but its just not going anywhere.
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| [another darn day] |
[02 May 2004|08:18pm] |
Today is just another sunday
full of work and absent sabbath
heaven seems endless at five
but boredom is my best friend
So I stare out window and wish
of things that never happen
sword and drama that will never be
as the world gives up on me
sadly unaware of fates strings
and destinies laid ahead
and soon begin another so called trial
of this life the heaven at five
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[27 Apr 2004|12:03am] |
[poem/If Kiss Could Kill]
passion, lust, rage
you decept me, push me
kill my instinct and fully fleshed
if only kiss could kill
if only kiss could kill
then your eyes will sear
you mislead my heart
and stake my only love
if only kiss could kill
then I would kiss those cruel
kiss those females beautiful
kiss those females immoral
prejudge me if only kiss could kill
and kissed your lips as we burn
burn or misleading and mistakes
its so sad that you never gave me a chance
[update]
So far things in my life are just flowing... and no one seems to be commenting on the journal lol oh well its for me i guess, to vent and such, so far im just getting pissed at everyone i know lately because there getting mad at me for stuff that i can't control or there being baist and showing me that for some reason they think im an asshole. Its pissing me off... the only "girl" i can talk to without making me mad is Brit but shes online... jeeze why the nice hott ones on the other side of the world.
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| [poem for those] |
[26 Apr 2004|07:28am] |
Always Never
never give up your strength of heart
never surrender your life on your part
always beleive in what you see
when you see it come from me
falling in and outta love is hard
come and see life dealt this card
let it all go the good and the bad
dont' let it turn you always sad
believe me when I say care
believe when I say im there
for you another day to spend
my life to you I always lend.
(there is certian girls out in this world that don't know that I care about them so much to die for them, how much I love to hear there doing okay, how much I love to see them smile, and how much I hate it when I hear they have been hurt. Hopefully one day someone will see what I really am)
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| [news: im an asshole] |
[24 Apr 2004|10:40pm] |
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I figured out today that im an asshole due to selective hearing and correction on my own opinions. wow coming from most that would be a problem but coming from an x girlfriend thats going out with my bestfriend thats just makes me mad. She got my bf whipped like cream, its a sad site, and whats sadder this is my best friend who told me these kinda relationships never work out and hes already saying he loves her. Sadest thing in my life, Im an asshole, and im fucking proud of it! according to those whos tongue shouldn't be judgeing.
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| [Find Your Own Way] |
[23 Apr 2004|07:41am] |
I'm Tired of helping
and then beaten
find your own way from now on
I have no clue what your seeking
You took my world away
and I still cared
You took is away repeat
Now im Tired
Find your own way
im tired of helping
and then beaten
All I can say is fuck what your seeking
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| With out my mind or my Adobe. |
[20 Apr 2004|03:03pm] |
I screwed up today somehow by deleteing something I wasn't supposed to now my adobe won't even start because of missing or invalid personalization information. So now I gotta figure something out, probably just reinstall it or something... gah that pisses me off. anyway the rest of my day was pretty simple really, brit wasn't having school so got to talk to her for a bit, that always makes me happy for some reason. Sometimes I fear my x gf getting online some pain still lingers of her just giving up and saying i wasn't the right love for her, but oh well.
Here is something I wrote a long time ago but found just a little while ago.
Hence the begining to end of another dangerous fortune for a creature they call human beneath his own rights he knows a cover lie. He himself choosen not only to not remove the dark tinted glass from his mind, but love's arrow wounded his eyes to what may lay ahead of him in his own field of mind, body, and soul.
He closes his eyes to an ironic future but has not turned and frowned upon what might flow ahead of his later upon layer of a pestilent soul. Yet he thinks to scientific reasoning he may have very well fixed and facted his last hope of a masked happiness. When clear as day when the sun reaches its highest peak upon the clock that love, blinding to most people as ignorance has the most wonderful emotion in this world, has beaten his spirits in a match of swords and chess. So his lips rest in a relaxed boredom, sighs of pre darkness pass his mind has he passes ones he knows, he loves, but yet agian love and his emotions wrap their finger around his pale neck and throw his heart into a pool of pain and hate because her and her heart has the keys out reached by another's hand.
Possibilities he leaped at agian and agian but the haert of those he has his hunters eye only have a gauge of friendly compansion and agian their eyes lie to him.
Every tick of his pocket watch rested in his back pocket, his mind takes over the emotions to a chemical embalance leading down bogus paths with only mirrors at then of what he could have but can't have at all. So he fights the demons with hearts. War upom war of his mind and what they say misused thoughts of death and anger. No way to release them, he falls to a corner of his mind and weeps stories....LIES!...to make his heart stronger. Tears of Love?....no the love he feels fails so see whats in the mirrors of his own mind. Tears of Hate?.....no hate he doesn't hate those he sees around him he...he fails to see truth. Tears of Confusion? no, He knows these battles and bloodshed in his heart. Yet he watches his life hanging like the stars in the black skies above it threatened by this egnimatic rage he has for certain people. Yet he knows the consequences of losing the war of his heart. He knows the result to what might happen if he did let the passionate anger who the bullets where ment for. He would lose his connections his life, his loves, his friends, and over all HIS MIND!!!!
So you see the crystal clear dilemma of love lost and the nightmarish terror of his mind swaying away from reality and the grip of his own life.
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| Games and Rock |
[17 Apr 2004|05:54pm] |
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I spent from 10 oclock pm to 3 oclock pm playing D&D Heros with my friends and meet his family as well and watched some movie called Fear the Dark and im like er wow cowboy zombies that try to eat you. and they theme of the song with some dude that did music named Dazmo that made the theme of the movie some yodling deal and I was triping the whole time. That movie blew, anyway im back home now and now im going to see some local bands play at the local hangout placed called The Living Room.
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| The Order (stupid ppl) |
[16 Apr 2004|11:55am] |
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My day was pretty basic today as usual, school, mall and home. boom a day of me. I learned about this stupid neo-nazi radical terrorist group that formed there order around a book. It was sad and it just made me mad. Those people are stupid, they claimed to do all of this in the name of jesus then they burned a cross. Seems pretty idiotic to me and to disgrace the name of jesus with all they did. Then i came home and slept. good day.
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xtasisanu's journal